How do I place enough emphasis on the word, ‘This’? I say, “This is It,” and your mind thinks it knows what I am saying. ‘This’ is the Holy Grail, the end of the search, the reality of peace and freedom. There are not sufficient words in any language to point to the true power of ‘This’ one simple word.

Many years and mindless experiments ago, Aja, my dear Friend and first teacher, said to me, “Just this”. It was his basic teaching, a mantra of sorts for all who could listen. He was so much wiser than I realized at the time, perhaps more so than even he understood.

I knew what he meant, but I hadn’t yet discovered the ego’s depths of subterfuge and subtlety. Ego can’t abide the simplicity of ‘This’. At its first opportunity ego replaces ‘This’ with anything, absolutely anything, to keep the heart from seizing its birthright—the realization of immortality, of all knowing love and presence—only realized as ‘This’.

My ego isn’t bad. It is however, self-protective by design. Its job, a job I innocently gave it, is to maintain a sense of separate self, my individual identity of Gayle, of Amaya, of widow, mother, friend and judge. It allows me to play the game of hide ‘n seek. Without it, how would I be able to learn my cosmic lessons and in doing so, play my part in the grander scheme?

It is natural for humans to play this game, finding every way possible to avoid ‘This’. It is the game called life, called maya filled with pain and suffering, joy and happiness. It is a delightful game, an overpoweringly heartbreaking game, a game of sensual stimulation, a game so brilliant that even when we try to break its spell, it brings us back time and time again. How could one not want to play?

I no longer wish to play this game. I haven’t for a long time. I can see life’s infinite problems, never-ending dead-ends, and all the immeasurable and creative ways humans find to berate themselves for not arriving at a place better than ‘This’. I have played that game well for a very long time. It has shown me another view—the astounding genius that is the truth, the immensity of our spirits, the throbbing potential begging us to step into ‘This’ and live into a kinder, more compassionate version of ourselves.

A wise sage recently asked me, “What is it you want Amaya?” That simple question set me off on a silent quest, a quest drenched in exquisite silence. It drew me into it, and the question percolated within. Simple answers floated into and out of awareness …to be of greater use …to know I am living the purpose I came here for … to be a simple flow of light with no resistance, catches, or wishes …to go home. Answers continued flitting in and out of awareness.

As I sat silently, awareness opened into ‘This’. ‘This’ includes the question. ‘This’ includes answers suspended in awareness. ‘This’ includes bodily reactions that belie acceptance. ‘This’ includes the anything ego placed in my path to prevent the realization of ‘This’. ‘This’ includes ego. ‘This’ is home with a capital H, the only home that cannot be lost for it never left. ‘This’ and no more—the Holy Grail; ‘This’ is it.