Give it an inch and it takes a mile. Life is always asking for a deeper letting go. Its ‘asks’ keep getting more and more subtle. The difference between holding on and letting go, unequivocally letting go, is nearly indistinct.
My body reacts, holds on when the many PVCs fire off. Since I’ve a bit of heart history, the body waits, holds its breath waiting for a bigger event. It is ever so subtle, so much so that it is extremely easy to miss, especially when I’m not consciously aware.
Letting go comes in degrees. Thank goodness for that. If not, I don’t think I could function at all. I already have difficulty at times finding ground on which to walk. There seems little stability exists, not the normal kind that keeps a body intact and functioning, once ideas of body and world are freed. The 3D takes on a new look and feel and navigating here is done quite differently. It only becomes a problem when I leave home base — Awareness — when forgetting takes place and in that instant of forgetting am reborn in a body moving through a world. Anymore its a pretty sharp shock of reminder, felt instantly as a slight tightening in my head, a faint flexing of focus, an almost unnoticeable stopping of the breath. Subtle. The bodymind is not what I thought it was. It was never designed to be the focus, to be somebody. Nobody; no problem.
Once the shock registers, ‘a me’ exists to let go. Letting go into the space of full surrender, into the love of this moment with whatever it brings, into ever widening expansion, is true relief .. and that is the dance — me, awareness, me, awareness …
Holding on is the territory of the separate self, the contraction into density, pure light condensed into a bodymind, into a me. We naturally dive in and out. We would literally die without being refreshed reminded regularly. Deep sleep, daydreams, moments of awe and bliss, the space between thoughts, reset the delicate balance, keep the body inclined to remain in form.
This teaching is different. The guru is life itself (as it has always been) waking up codes that haven’t seen the light of day but rarely since humanity fell into the material mind. This lesson, the one life is giving many in the guise of illness and injuries, felt and experienced through the body’s apparent failings, will settle for nothing less than absolute Hereness, total Nowness, full-on Awareness with no second, no wishy-washy back and forth — bodymind left standing but with absolutely no stake in the ground. I didn’t think this was possible. It seems it is. What an intense ride this is. Move one fraction of a fraction into memory or into focus on the experience and this body, oh this sweet little body (how I underestimated your worth) brings me back, snaps me into Place, into my true place in this world.
Maybe I’m just a slow learner. Maybe that’s the reason my lessons seem to be so all-consuming. I’ve always said, with a wink, that I wasn’t a slow learner, just a thorough learner. I do love discovering new worlds. Finding they all live within me, well that’s just priceless!