Checkmate

I am what I am. I look how I look. My health is what it is. The people in my life are what they are. Life on this planet is what it is. I do not have access to the wondrous perfection seekers pursue. I have not found something others don’t have. The gazillion things in life come and go, just like always.

Everything is in constant movement; nothing is constant. The needle on the scale tends right; the needle fades left. Health improves just in time for a new health crisis to appear. Relationships begin; they sputter and end. No magic wand here.

I am not control central, the chess master who sees infinite steps ahead. I am an appearance in time and space, a cool one, a richly precious experiential, but an appearance, nonetheless. Any moment could be the end of this form. This next breath could bring my demise or breathe new life into this form. I do not know which way it will go. I have given up minding. Minding was a waste of energy.

If there is a choice, which is life’s biggest long shot, it is to be here with my experience as it is — to surrender, to say yes and quit squirming, to stop trying to climb down off the cross in order to not feel the hurt, the impermanence, the aching pain of life in a body.

What’s fun — well fun to me and I’m strange that way — is that:

I have no power to choose, to say yes, to surrender and yet, I am the only power, that which powers the entire game.

I have no material body distinct from others; and yet, I am presence itself, am present within and without all things.

I can truly know nothing, and yet, I am that in what all things, wisdom and ignorance, is known.

It is easy for forms to get confused, to attribute the formless power, presence and awareness to the form. It’s like believing the chess master lives within the pieces. Wouldn’t that make for an interesting game of chess!

Seeing this clearly, living it all the way in, changes the game but not in the way you hope. Life goes on. Resistance happens until it doesn’t. The gazillion things continue to come and go. Seeing the game clearly does not absolve the player from the next play, the next trip across the board.

I am This That Is and paradoxically a player on the board. I see the paradox — This I Am and this I am — and am a player acting out the paradox, being moved about the chess board, not in the same mindless way I was before I was given sight, but mindfully.

Empty of need for anything other than this, I see the cosmic joke, the golden playground. I am moved, checked and checkmated, and as full aliveness play my role, feel my hurts, watch my heart break and heal and break again.

Nothing materially changes. Everything experientially does. When you don’t mind — can see no point at all in minding — life simply is what it is and what joy that is!

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