It’s a hard-earned, well-researched belief. There’s a mountain of support for it, an overwhelming consensus that says it’s true. It seems to pop up whenever you lose it and get angry or hide under the covers, unable to face the moment. It hangs around at the edges, waiting to claim a chunk of your heart … or the whole damn thing. It says that you aren’t supposed to act that way, that you aren’t supposed to hurt, to grieve, to react in any human way. If you do, you can’t pass go and have to go to jail – the jail of shame.
It seems to come from a misunderstanding of what life is, that there is a finish line you can step over and voila, it’s done and you’ve arrived. When the messy human stops in for a visit, all the bells and whistles of warning sound off – look at that fraud! She should be ashamed of herself. Who is she to think she is any nearer to waking up, let alone awakened?
Ironically, all those warnings don’t come from others, all those people we try so hard to impress, to keep from seeing what’s really going on inside. They arise from within, and they feel shameful.
Shame is a big one. It is self-doubt clothed in the guise of abject failure, should, and should not have, masquerading as the right way, the way that would have turned out better, that would have resulted in a different outcome, a shameless experience, the glory that fits your enlightenment profile, the honor of being one of the rare and untriggerable ones.
It sad really, that spiritual seekers have been sold a fairytale, that most all think that is what awakened means, and believe it is possible and achievement worthy. What a crock, a well-fed lie, not to mention a endless built-in supply of supplicants, of seekers who never find.
What if the profile is more than a bit askew? What if not being triggered, not feeling shame, are not on the menu? What if they never were? What if being awake means you know what this is, what you are, right in the middle of this magnificent shitshow? What if there is no point in being so hard on yourself?
Be honest. Can you imagine life without reaction? Would you really want an emotionless dance? What would life be like if you couldn’t cry, if the beauty and despair of life didn’t touch you? Tears cleanse, relieve, opening a portal, stripping away the veils that demonstrate your absolute connectivity. Anger has a purpose too. Generally, the purpose is missed in the heat of the moment, because the resistance to anger holds it in until it explodes, instead of freeing the gift it offers.
There is nothing wrong with any expression. It is all life. It is all infinite aliveness on display, the play of experiencing.
You are in a body, even though you are not simply a body. You incarnated – regardless of whether that means materially or as an appearance in awareness – to experience life. You are this that is, experiencing life as this you are. To desire the perfection of shamelessness, of glory and honor alone, misses the perfection of the messy, precious human life. It is another form of separation. Awakening integrates the human and the divine.
You are already the perfection of infinite aliveness, of the unlimited pure potential. That too, is what you are … and you are here, now embodied, experiencing glory and shame, anger and happiness, peace and war, the polarities of duality. You have taken on a limited form to experience, not the limitless, but the limited, duality, the sensory delights and despair of separation.
Doing so, without the knowledge of what you really are, is more than a hard road, it is nearly impassable. Seeing what you are though, what this is, is always available. Every experience, the gamut of experiences, displays the actuality. The only thing that prevents you from seeing is the fact that you believe you know what this is. What if you don’t?
Seeing through the fallacies doesn’t wipe out the show. It doesn’t necessarily change the game. People still die. Pain still arises. Suffering occurs and you feel it. You experience it. Life goes on, a life of duality from which you are not immune and honestly, would you want to be? You came to experience, so experience your life with all you’ve got.
I think that’s the reason the idea of heaven never appealed to me. Harps and angels, an unending parage of love and light, hymns, and praise? I’ll pass. Good thing it’s not the final destination, that there is no final destination.
Emotions aren’t bad. They are human. To be fully human is to be divine. To be truly divine is to be fully human. Accepting life as it is, as you are, as we are, is awakening, but not the end. Integration seems to unfold over a lifetime. Funny. I’ve found that since I quit trying to suppress them, to censor or control them, I feel the emotions more completely – sometimes the depth astounds me — and then they pass on through. Whatever is to happen next, happens. Life moves on. It feels a bit like it did when I was four and a friend took my toy. I got angry. One minute I was red-faced and blowing steam, the next I was playing with my friend again.
When you are open to what happens, when you know what this is and that you don’t control it, nothing sticks. It’s a moving smorgasbord of experiencing.