I am come that ye might have life, and that ye might have it more abundantly. John 10:10
Battered and bruised, my tight grip on money ripped apart, and still I would not listen. Spiritual growth continued, expanding, opening into possibility, life flowing more and more easily, and still I could not hear the truth. I was stuck in the idea of duality. I was spinning in the illusion of good and bad, right and wrong, heaven and earth, God and human, abundance and scarcity.
Four years ago losing the house was a real possibility. It didn’t happen. Saffy and I did not make the long slow walk down the drive with nothing but our backpacks. If that was to happen, I was willing. I had pictured it, accepted the likely inevitability, allowed myself to feel into the experience, to feel the sense of failure, the accumulated weight of decisions. I did not go back to work; no opportunities appeared on my radar screen. Grief captured my attention. Growth replaced normal, everyday living, and life as most live it fell by the wayside. With no apologies, and in gratitude, I was fully employed, 24/7, by spirit. I cannot imagine attending to all that has worked its way through this system while balancing other priorities. Perhaps that is why life unfolded as it did.
Was keeping the house a sign of abundance? That’s what our world would have us believe. I am learning, yes still learning, that abundance is something radically different. I like many today, am awakening into Christ Consciousness. I find that quite humorous since over the past twenty-five years I have walked so many paths, none of which were Christian, and yet, Jesus’ life seems to best embody this new unfolding reality.
It is no surprise that walking head-on into the Christ, the words of Jesus require a lived-in experienced veracity. It is impossible to place my attention on my worldly needs and be about My Father’s business. This is something most will scoff at and call impractical. Some may even call me insane, but I now know that choosing both the Father and my earthly business is not possible.
Today I heard it called counting coup. Money arrives and immediately the mind goes into counting. This plus what I already have (or what I hope to get) will allow me to pay for that. Every time I count coup, I slip into earthly business and the well dries up. It has happened so many times it is laughable. There is the Father’s business or that of a separate, individual here on planet hurtling through time and space, not both.
Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink. (Matthew 6:25)
It was piercingly hard to take these truths all the way into my cells. The appearance of scarcity so quickly grabbed my attention, created a visceral reaction that seemed obliged to play itself out …and play itself out it did. It is still an unfolding process. Moment by moment more of the truth unravels in front of, and within, me.
By grace, the absolute, utter, unqualified futility of old ways, of beating myself for actions that did not happen, of struggling with what to do, how to do, and who the heck actually does it, fell into the void of paralysis and brought with it the inability to do anything. Thoughts would arise to go find work, to make some money and just as simply as they arose, they would fall away with no attenuated action. Even so, I was supplied with a brilliant idea. Weeks later I was inspired at exactly the right time to sell Ken’s car and the tractor. The money from the sales provided the wherewithal to see the idea to fruition. Love and perfectly given help from friends and family converted the farm storage, with tools hanging on every wall and hay stacked in the corner, into a beautiful little rental. That possibility was never on my radar screen, but it was on the Source of Infinite Supply’s.
As days and months flew by the paralysis shifted into the realization that I of myself do nothing. It is the Father who doeth the works. ‘My will’ does not give way to the ‘Father’s will’. The Father’s will is the only will that is. I don’t get to know that while asserting my will.
The will that I champion fabricates life’s rules. It is actually fun, and oh so rewarding to observe which rules are in play. Am I at the behest of Old Testament’s Laws, the laws of Karma, living in the world of duality? If so, the game of winning, achieving and accomplishing, failing, losing, and falling short is in motion. Seeing that allows for grace which is always present, simply ignored, to subsume the laws of man and open into an embodiment of the Christ.
Each time grace re-points me, I gently smile. Every situation is the unfolding grace, even though at times it feels nothing like my mind expected grace to feel. The gap between the pain and acceptance is smaller now. The grace unfolding, the great holding, takes over the moment doer-ship releases. All my mistaken notions of doer-ship, the years, yes lifetimes of notions were gloriously faultless, for as they accumulated supreme futility dawned, without which the Christ could only be a story in a big black book.
Whether I see what is transpiring, or assume the identity of a struggling separate being, is also by infinite grace. Whatever is necessary to the continued unfolding unfolds as my life. It may look abundant to the outside world. It may look like scarcity. The lived experience is neither. It is not good or bad, abundant or scarce. It is the infinite flow, the perfection unfolding, the only truth that is. It is the luminous inquiry into futility and truth, both required for the inevitable return to Christ Consciousness. Eventually, through the interaction of futility and truth, I see what actually is true, and with the seeing, old reference points of duality drop like leaves from a tree in autumn. Dropped to my knees, I see the futility of acting on my own to provide myself with what is always provided in abundance, for what it too is, the grace of God gently, persistently loving and holding me, inviting the prodigal home.
Now, a deep relaxation and sense of safety unhurriedly displaces the old holding on and a true cellular reordering, bringing with it the abundant life of The Christ is emerging. The truth appears almost instantaneously and rewrites any attempt to call duality real. There is always a swift reminder that I cannot embody The Christ (oneness), while paying homage to duality (two-ness).
I live, yet not I, the Christ liveth in me.
It is mine to love as God loves, to be of service in whatever way seems appropriate in the moment, to give as fully and openly as God gives. That is abundance – the giving, the open, unconcerned, unregulated giving. It is not mine to worry and fear, portion out and count coup, yet if I do, that too leads me into deeper realization. It is the Father’s great joy to provide for me, for all of us. Those that say “Yes, but that is not the way it works here”, simply have not yet realized the depth and breadth of God’s Promise.