Expectation is powerful. It is beyond anything I had realized and I had discovered most of its secrets. From this locus of experiencing, it is awe-fully awful-ly important, one of the deeply misunderstood enigmas of Life.
Expectation is sneaky. Even when I get that the separate self is a lie, that it has never truly existed other than as resistance to my experience, something within the lie it is has the tenacity to slip a snippet of expectation into the experiencing. It is so deft and expert at hiding the mainspring of pivotal revivification that it goes unseen and heard and the gears in the clock rewind themselves automatically. Whew! Game still on!
Expectation is subtle, a game of hide-n-seek the energy tangle of a separate self plays. Even in the material world before I started down this path it was a resourceful stow-away, like the little kid on my block when we played the game’s namesake during the hot summer nights. That clever scoundrel was always somewhere other than where we looked!
Expectation: that our loved one will love us as much as we love him; that eating less will result in losing weight; that if we do what society says, and do it well, we will be happy; that if we buy organic, exercise, and stay positive we will live a long life — so many bargains with the devil! Or lately — if I surrender to the body shocks they will go away or at the least lessen in intensity; if I surrender fully enough the separate self will die; and once the separate self dies it will not be reborn. So many distortions of truth! All of them based on the unreality of some time and space that is not now.
Now is not a moment in time. The separate self is simply resistance to Now. The overarching dilemma with expectation is that it is not Now — it is an expectation for the future that has never and will never exist. It is an expectation for a separate self to have or get something it wants. It is the guarantee of rebirth into and as the lie.
I still I continue exploring the separate self and all the nuances of creating and maintaining one. We are fascinating in our unlimited creativity. It seems I might be coming to the end of this particular expression of exploration but ‘who’ really knows. I have fallen into the vat of no-self and climbed back out a couple times now — a phoenix reborn with what I have come to see as the elixir of expectation. Whether I will continue to rebirth myself as form again and again is yet to be seen. At least there is knowing here that I am not that measly miscreant at all. By the way — I love that to me, the phoenix represents rebirth into the physical. It is such a mystical magical creature., as are we all, born into the physical through the mystical — now that must mean we aren’t physical at all.
“The edge is only an edge while you are narrowly identified, believing you are separate from the whole. As the bond with body and mind breaks apart, the excruciatingly narrow edge widens, until it includes the blessed entirety.” Card #60, Razor’s Edge — The Wild Child