It’s not gonna work. No matter what you do, regardless of how rigorously you train your mind, it will never give you what you seek. Can you see that all your doing has an agenda? Are you willing to grasp that everything you are trying to control is actually brilliantly showing you something infinitely incredible? Seeking takes you further from the peace and happiness you seek. That which you seek IS truly seeking you. It’s not just a cute saying.
You are compressed consciousness, consciousness focused in the form of a bodymind, consciousness vibrating at manifestation level. You cannot add to your pure design. You already are everything and nothing, the empty fullness. Subtracting precious parts of yourself, you know, those things you abhor about yourself, makes a mental fraction of the whole, fabricating wholeness at an unbridgeable distance. Efforting tamps down, solidifies, and internalizes the sense of separation that your search was created to heal, concretizing the useful at times concept into a tenacious holy cow of a full-time belief. You are awareness Itself and anything you add or subtract can never be anything but a weather change in the magnificent sky you are.
Compress a rubber ball with your hand and what does it do? It very naturally begins to decompress. It can’t help itself. Localized forms are just like that. You are always rebounding, returning to your innateness, to consciousness, to that which you are not just made of, but that which you wholly are. Your inbuilt automatic restorative design is the pull you feel to be something more, the urge to expand, the call of the wild unformed, the deep understanding — sometimes so deep you feel it but can’t put it in words, the ache in your heart, the yearning for something other than this limited life.
You KNOW what you are.
To be consciousness aware It is consciousness is something else entirely. It is possible to consciously be aware, not just for a glimpse or a staycation, but to live in and as This alive.
Seeing your agenda begins to clear the calendar. Like a game of hide ‘n seek, you hide yours from yourself so it isn’t always out here in the open. Staying alive — above ground or out of the ash bin — generally tops the list, being right (in some form or fashion) a close second. What if everything you ever learned, everything you think you know, is wrong? Can you live with that? Be honest now, wouldn’t that be a relief?
Or … you can continue on, a soldier of fortune, until you reach the point of utter exhausted futility, which my friend fills my heart with so much compassion for you. I’ve been there. It’s painful to say the least. And yet, stay with you I will. I am here regardless of your path, even when it appears that I am not. It is infinitely harder to live the lack, the heartbreak, the fear, the sense of unworthiness, than it is for those who love you to watch, but there is nothing anyone can do to help but share our inadequate words and love you exactly as you are. There is no way to leave you and This I Am wouldn’t even if it could. There is no escape. There is only Here, only Now.
You are loved. You are love. You are This I Am in form and the formlessness from which the entirety flows.
Bowed to this unfolding Now.